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The second one said, "I'll call mine Mountain Dew, because he likes to mount and do me."
The third one said, "I'll call mine Jack Daniel's. He's a hard licker."
An anthropologist visited a Native American reservation to interview an old chief. "Chief Two Eagles," the researcher said, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so. The anthropologist continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief replied, "When we had the land, there were no taxes, no debts, plenty of buffalo and plenty of beaver. Medicine was free, women did all the work, and men spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back, smiled and said, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that."
Why do the sperm in a gay relationship get claustrophobic? Because there's no womb to move around in.
A man called his boss one morning and said, "I can't make it in today. I'm sick." The boss asked, "What's wrong?" The employee replied, "I have anal glaucoma."
The boss said, "What the hell is that?" The man replied, "Well, I just can't see my ass coming in to work."
A waitress at a roadside cafe was shocked to see three men masturbating furiously at one of her tables. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screamed.
One of the men replied, "Well, it says on the menu, 'First come, first served.'"
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, "If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts."
A man took his rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," the vet said, "let me have a look at him."
The doctor picked up the dog and examined his eyes. Finally he said, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"But why?" the man asked. "Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," the vet replied. "Because he's really heavy."
What's the difference between a stalker and a washing machine?
After you dump a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week.
A golfer stood over his ball for what seemed an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance and figured out the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the ball."
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner said, "Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."
A three-year-old boy taking a bath examined his penis and asked, "Mommy, is this my brain?"
The mother replied, "Not yet, honey."
BLONDE JOKE OF THE MONTH: A blonde wife ran into her house and yelled, "Honey, someone just stole our car."
The husband asked, "Did you get a good look at him?"
"No," the blonde replied. "But I got the license plate number."
Two vultures boarded a plane. Each carried two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped them and said, "Sorry, only one carrion per passenger."
George W. Bush recently wrote this letter to John Hinckley:
Dear Mr. Hinckley,
Laura and I hope that you are continuing to recover from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president. Since I am a public servant, please let me know if there is
anything that you need at the hospital. By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jodie Foster?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush, president
What do you get when you take ecstasy and birth control? A trip without the kids.
A man owned a farm in Kansas. The Department of Labor received a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his employees.
An agent came to interview him and said, "List your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
The farmer said, "I have one ranch hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus room and board. Then I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $400 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" the agent asked as he scribbled on a notepad.
"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Very interesting," the agent said. "I want to talk to that half-wit."
The farmer replied, "You're talkin' to him right now."
Why did Scott Peterson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
A man who reeked of booze flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained with liquor, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, he turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "It's caused by loose living, sleeping with wicked women and drinking too much alcohol."
"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
A few minutes later, the priest nudged the man to apologize. "I'm very sorry," the priest said. "I didn't mean to come down on you so strongly. How long have you suffered from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father," the man said. "I was just reading about the Pope."
A new car stereo comes equipped with voice-activated software. If you yell out "rock," it tunes in to a rock station. If you say "classical," it switches to a classical music station. If you say "country," it changes to a country music station. But one unhappy consumer complained that while he was driving, some children ran out in front of his car. Hitting the brakes, he muttered, "Fucking kids." The radio started playing Michael Jackson songs.
BLONDE JOKE OF THE MONTH: Why should a boss give his blonde secretary only a half-hour lunch break?
Because if she were gone for an hour, she'd have to be retrained.
Where does an Irishman go on vacation? A different bar.
Why are nurses so bad at giving oral sex? Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.
